Thanksgiving '22 - All the Holiday Firsts

I think of myself as a grateful person that is thankful for all that I have and have experienced. I can quite often be heard saying "I am so lucky". This year it's a bit tougher to get into that mindset without being bitter or angry, holidays and special occasions don't seem right without Jakub. Actually, most days hit in a way that isn't right knowing he is gone. Jakub is my stepson that tragically took his own life in March of this year.

I met Jakub when he was 16, a budding young man full of ideals. He was at a stage in life where parental adults weren't his first choice of hang out partners. He soon went away to school and the time spent with family decreased even more. When he moved back to Winnipeg he lived with us for a while and I got to know him a bit better. In the past 4 years of having the cottage meant having full weekends with Jakub when he would join us. My memories of him fill the cottage space and property, it was hard at first being at the lake after his passing yet I am managing to turn those thoughts into positives. Shortly before his death we were having private conversations that now mean so very much to me. I felt like I got close to him and gained a better understanding of where our relationship would stand and then he was gone. F*@k, what I wouldn't do to have him here.

Easter was the first holiday that we had to manage without him. I felt numb and followed through with the motions. His birthday fell on Mother's day this year, ugh. I commemorated his birthday and him by getting a musical note tattooed on my left wrist, a lovely reminder of some of the gifts he shared and he was left-handed.

I imagine Jakub wanting me to carry on and especially this weekend be thankful for what I do have. Be thankful for the time I had with him, the special gifts he possessed and left me. His music, his writing, his perspectives and his convictions. I learned to love his passion for ideas.

We spread Jakub's ashes last weekend in the Red River near where his life ended. My belief is with the spreading of his last earthly remains, his mana, his life force, his energy, is now spreading across the world sharing his gifts everywhere. May he rest easy knowing that the love I have for him continues. May all that knew him and those that didn't, get touched by his magic. I am at the cottage writing this and being near water will now always feel like he is close and free. I am thankful he is no longer bound by the psychosis that had such a strong, negative hold on him.

I will have a moment of thanks to Jakub this weekend, near the water. I am thankful for my husband, daughter and stepsons. I am grateful for everyone in my life, thank you for sharing these thoughts with me and may you find gratitude along with me this weekend even if it is difficult and sometimes hard to find. Love and Light